Trouble Writing

I am trying to finalize my personal statement. My personal statement, an essay I will send to graduate admissions boards in Boston, Seattle and San Francisco, that demonstrates my experience, passion and objectives. I have rewritten this essay six times now, and I´m feeling a seventh coming on soon.

I am struggling with my tone. I can´t find it anywhere. I have a tone when I write here, but trying to write to someone else, someone who is judging, someone who I fear may stop reading after the first two sentences, has scared my tone away.

….

Ok, I have it now. I´ve been writing my seventh rendition while writing this. Trying to keep the tone. But I´m doubting myself again. Maybe this tone isn´t appropriate for a personal statement. Do I sound too juvenile? Too simple? It´s possible. I wish I knew who these people were. I wish I knew their sense of humor, their favorite book, how they got their first real job. I´m trying to put myself on paper, but I am more than just 1,000 words. And so what if I am a bit trite, a bit idealistic, a bit over zealous in my ambitions? Don´t let my writing suffer for it. Don´t stifle my dreams just because you´ve already learned better or given up.

I´m not angry, just concerned.

….

Round eight. I lost it again. Think creative writing. Think creative science writing. But now I lost my flow. I am jumping from a soft, fluid description of where my passion come from, how I discovered who I want to be, to sharp, jagged statements: this is what I want, this is why I need your help, please, Mrs. Admissions Officer, please.

….

The spell check on this pirated Word program doesn´t work.

….

I am trying to explain what I´m doing here. What I am doing in Bolivia. What I am doing on this whole trip. How do I tell them it´s all for them? How do I move from past, to present to future in one thought?

It´s not really all for them. It´s for me, but I am readying myself for them. What if they don´t care? Maybe I should have stayed home and studied. Maybe I should have stayed home and retaken the GREs. Maybe…

….

Ninth time is a charm.

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